Once upon a time, in a world where even coffee became a weapon of war, Donald Trump, with his unmistakable golden hair, decided to aim his tariffs at Brazil. The target? Nothing less than the sacred little brown bean that wakes up half of humanity: coffee. According to him, taxing it at 50% was a masterstroke, almost as brilliant as wearing orange bronzer in winter.

On this side of the Equator, Brazil looked and said: “Seriously, Uncle Sam? Without coffee you’re not even half of what you think you are.” Because let’s face it: imagine New York at 7 a.m. without its espresso. Wall Street without caffeine would be a zoo of brokers yawning, messing up numbers, and selling Apple stocks thinking they were actual apples.

Trump, of course, believed Americans would survive with Starbucks serving iced tea. But we know that without Brazilian coffee, the average American can’t even find the Wi-Fi password, let alone drive to work. Chaos would be inevitable: traffic jams because no one had the energy to honk, business meetings reduced to collective naps, and the Pentagon considering importing guaraná powder in an emergency.

In Brazil, the whole thing became a joke. “Want to tax coffee? Fine. We’ll keep it here, drink it all, and let them deal with third-rate decaf.” Meanwhile, memes showed Trump trying to replace coffee with cucumber-flavored energy drinks — and failing miserably.

The irony is that, deep down, Brazilian coffee was more important to the United States than hamburgers are to us. And if the trade war ever turned into a real war, Brazil wouldn’t even need an army: just cut off coffee supplies for a week and watch the American giant collapse from sleepiness.

In the end, the headline printed in newspapers worldwide said it all: “No coffee for U.S.” — a pun that hurt more than any tariff, because it showed that without our little bean, they weren’t really “U.S.”... just a bunch of sleepy zombies looking for a cup of Brazilian coffee.